Welcoming a New Sibling
There’s a famous story in my family from before I was born. My mom was picking up my brother from preschool when his teacher congratulated her, saying, “I hear he’s getting a baby sister!” My mom was confused because she wasn’t expecting a baby nor planning to have another child. But not long after that encounter, my mom was pregnant—surprise!—with a baby girl. I've always loved this story, especially when I saw the picture of my brother bottle-feeding me as a baby. Whether he somehow saw the future, manifested me, or simply had a friend with a baby sister and adopted the story as his own, I’ve always felt that my brother truly loved being a big brother... despite calling me “Kimberly” (after the pink Power Ranger) for the first six months of my life.
Some families experience a similar expansion, with older siblings joyously embracing their new role. My partner, for instance, has a story of approaching her parents early one morning and asking, “Where’s my baby?” referring to her new younger sibling. However, not all families have such a smooth transition. In my work, I've encountered many families with older siblings who range from disinterested to downright appalled at the prospect of sharing their parents with a new, loud, stinky baby (their words, not mine).
According to a study from the National Institutes of Health, it’s common for firstborns to feel disrupted by the arrival of a new sibling and have negative reactions to the change. Regression is also common, which I've seen in my experience. The oldest child may suddenly want to cuddle more, ask for a blankie or a bottle, or have tantrums they seem to have outgrown.
New parents may feel overwhelmed managing an infant's care, their own healing and recovery, and the new emotions of their firstborn, who may not understand why their previously always-available parent can’t play with them right now.
For any significant change involving children, I always recommend age-appropriate discussions leading up to the event. A “soft transition,” as I've heard it called, is usually preferable—even for adults. Reading books together about becoming a big sibling, watching episodes of shows like Daniel Tiger (where he becomes a big brother), and taking time to talk and answer questions can help ease anxieties. In addition to exploring what it means to have a sibling, it's important to discuss what birth will be like, including who will be there, when and where it will take place, and the recovery time for the birthing parent.
Sometimes, we shy away from sharing details like our need for recovery with our children, perhaps because we don’t want to worry them. But I believe there are always age-appropriate ways to provide them with information. Children often act out when they feel they are lacking attention or connection, so involving them in the process can be a bonding moment. Maybe your eldest can help by bringing snacks or baby supplies. This may help empower them to feel connected to the change in the family rather than feeling left out.
Most importantly, remember that taking care of yourself is crucial to taking care of your growing family. It's okay to take breaks, have time apart from one or both of your children and feel mixed emotions. Every parent of two I've worked with has expressed guilt over the differences in their experiences with their first and second children. One family I know has a saying: “Two kids are a lot of kids.” Try to meet moments of uncertainty with the realization that this time, you don’t have to Google nearly as much as you did the first time!
